Diary of an Avoidant — The Shame of Being Seen

Last week, I had my TEDx audition.

The talk was about how we should treat our spouse like our most important client. Strategic, intentional, respectful. It’s a message I deeply believe in. But here's the paradox: while crafting this talk about closeness, I was retreating into old avoidant patterns.

My wife — a great public speaker — loves rehearsing with me. For her, it’s a safe ritual. For me, rehearsing in front of her felt exposing. Vulnerable. Like inviting in potential judgment. I kept the process secretive, as I often do when I’m doing something emotionally risky.

This isn’t new.

Years ago, I took a stand-up comedy class. I rehearsed with the teacher, yes. But when it came time to practice at home, I shut the door. I avoided sharing it with anyone — even the people closest to me. I procrastinated inviting friends to the show until the last moment. My wife ended up inviting them. And in the end? I was deeply moved by their laughter and support. But I couldn’t have created that moment on my own.

So what’s going on here?

As a therapist, I now see the pattern clearly:
Avoidance doesn’t always mean pushing people away with distance. Sometimes it’s about not letting people witness us during the in-between — before success is guaranteed. Before we’ve proved ourselves.

For me, this links to something deeper: the fear of being mocked, criticized, or diminished. Growing up, the atmosphere in my family was loving, yes — but also full of harsh judgments. Everything and everyone was either brilliant or stupid. Admired or ridiculed. There wasn’t much nuance. I internalized the idea that exposure equals risk. That unless I could guarantee success, I was better off hiding.

And that’s the emotional blueprint of many avoidants:

We want closeness. But only once we've already earned applause.

The irony? True connection — whether in love or creativity — doesn’t come after perfection. It comes during the mess.

Can you relate?

Have you ever kept something secret until it was “ready”?
Do you find it hard to let people in before you're sure you'll succeed?

👇 I’d love to hear your experience.