The Illusion of Keeping My Options Open

When I was in my early 20s, I thought keeping my options open was the smartest way to live. I prided myself on it.

Whenever friends invited me to a party, I’d say, Maybe, I’ll see how I feel later. I never committed—just in case something better came up or I changed my mind. I told myself I was being flexible, but in reality, I just hated the idea of being locked into a decision.

Even when it came to my studies, I chose a master’s in science partly because it kept all my options open. It was broad enough that I wouldn’t have to commit to a single career path too soon. While others confidently pursued medicine, research, or engineering, I stayed in the middle, convincing myself I was being smart. That I was leaving doors open. That this was freedom.

But at some point, I started to notice something. I was always in limbo.

I recently watched Bref 2, a French series. There’s a part that went viral: “I wanted to sit for 30 seconds, he did for 20 years.” It hit a nerve because so many people relate to this feeling—thinking you’re pausing for a moment, only to realize years have passed and you’re still in the same place. (By the way, the main character in the series… is avoidant.)

Sometimes, videos speak louder than words. But for me, that scene put into words something I had been avoiding for years: my fear of making decisions wasn’t protecting me—it was trapping me.

Avoidance Is About More Than Just Avoiding People

For years, I thought being avoidant just meant avoiding emotional closeness. That’s part of it, of course. But I started to realize that the real problem wasn’t just intimacy—it was decision-making itself.

Psychologists call this decision paralysis, and for avoidants, it’s a way of life. When you grow up learning that expressing needs leads to rejection, you develop a deep fear of making the "wrong" choice. Because a wrong choice means vulnerability. A wrong choice means responsibility. A wrong choice means being trapped.

So instead, you stay in the gray area. You tell yourself you’re just “waiting for the right moment.” But really, you’re afraid to choose.

The Illusion of Keeping Doors Open

For the longest time, I believed that avoiding decisions meant I was keeping my freedom. That by staying in between, I had more control.

But here’s the truth: not choosing is still a choice.

• When I didn’t commit to plans, I wasn’t gaining flexibility—I was just isolating myself.
• When I left relationships ambiguous, I wasn’t avoiding pressure—I was ensuring nothing ever deepened.
• When I chose a broad career path just to "keep options open," I wasn’t gaining possibilities—I was postponing growth.

And life doesn’t wait. Eventually, choices get made for you. People stop inviting you. Opportunities disappear. Relationships fade. And then you tell yourself, See? It wasn’t my fault.

But deep down, you know. You know that your inaction was the real decision all along.

Breaking the Cycle

I won’t pretend that suddenly deciding everything is easy. Avoidants don’t just wake up one day and become decisive. But I’ve learned a few things that help:

1. Decisions are rarely permanent. The fear of making the "wrong" choice kept me stuck for years. But the reality? Most choices can be adjusted. It’s better to choose something and pivot later than to stay in limbo forever.
2. Avoidance isn’t neutral. It feels like safety, but it’s actually self-sabotage. The more I avoid decisions, the more life moves on without me.
3. Commitment doesn’t mean being trapped. Whether it’s friendships, relationships, or career paths, committing to something doesn’t mean losing freedom—it just means gaining direction.

Questions to Ask Yourself

• What’s one decision I’ve been avoiding?
• Am I afraid of making the wrong choice, or am I afraid of taking responsibility for it?
• If I had to make a choice today, what would it be?
• What would I tell a friend in my position?

Avoidants tell themselves that avoiding decisions keeps them safe. But real freedom doesn’t come from avoiding choices—it comes from having the courage to make them.

So, what will I choose today? What will you choose?