If you’ve ever felt like you love too much or pull away too fast, you’re not broken—you’re likely playing out a script shaped by your attachment system. One of the most illuminating resources for understanding this dynamic is the work of Mikulincer & Shaver (2016), whose research lays the foundation for how attachment theory informs real-world relationships, especially breakups.

In this article, we’ll break down:

• The core protocol Mikulincer & Shaver used to study attachment
• What their findings reveal about anxious and avoidant behaviors
• How this knowledge can help you heal and grow
• Real-world stories to bring the theory to life
• A call to action if you're ready to stop repeating the same patterns

The Science: What Did Mikulincer & Shaver Actually Study?

Mikulincer & Shaver’s 2016 research is a deep dive into how attachment styles shape emotional regulation, especially under stress—like the emotional chaos of a breakup.

Their core methodology was a multi-study protocol combining:

1. Self-report questionnaires (e.g., measuring levels of anxious and avoidant attachment)
2. Experimental priming (e.g., asking participants to think about a time they felt securely loved vs. abandoned)
3. Behavioral observations and reaction-time tasks to see how quickly people accessed attachment-related thoughts

Their goal? To map the "attachment system"—a psychological GPS that helps us seek closeness, assess threats, and regulate emotions.

📌 Key insight: Attachment is not just a “relationship label.” It’s a biological and emotional survival system rooted in evolution¹.

The Takeaways: What We Learn About Attachment Styles

1. Anxious Attachment: Hyperactivation of the Attachment System

People high in attachment anxiety tend to:

• Ruminate on abandonment
• Become hyper-vigilant to changes in their partner’s mood or distance
• Struggle to self-soothe after conflict or breakups

In the study: Anxiously attached individuals showed faster access to negative attachment-related words when primed with insecurity. Their brains were primed for rejection.

Real-world example: Sophie checks her ex’s Instagram stories, hoping for a sign he misses her. Even silence feels like proof that she was never enough. Her mind is looping in pain—but it’s not her fault. It’s how her nervous system seeks safety.

2. Avoidant Attachment: Deactivation of the Attachment System

Avoidantly attached people tend to:

• Downplay emotions
• Avoid vulnerability
• Distract themselves after a breakup instead of processing it

In the study: Avoidants were slower to access attachment-related thoughts, especially after security priming. In other words, even imagining love didn’t turn their radar back on.

Real-world example: James broke up with his girlfriend and told himself he felt nothing. He immediately buried himself in work and dating apps. But six months later, the emotional residue hit hard—and he had no idea how to handle it.

3. Secure Attachment: Balance in the System

Secure individuals:

• Have flexibility under stress
• Can soothe themselves without suppressing or overreacting
• Seek support and offer it when needed

In the study: Security priming (e.g., imagining a safe relationship) helped both anxious and avoidant participants regulate better. Secure memories act like an emotional anchor².

Why This Study Matters for Breakups

Mikulincer & Shaver didn’t just explain how people behave in relationships. They showed why we suffer differently after breakups based on our attachment style.

For the Anxious:

You’re not “too much.” You’re wired to seek closeness because your nervous system flags distance as danger. Understanding this lets you:

• Pause the self-blame spiral
• Learn earned security—a path to regulating emotions through new habits

For the Avoidant:

You’re not heartless. You’re protecting yourself through emotional detachment. But pushing feelings away doesn’t mean they disappear. This study gives you:

• Language for why intimacy feels threatening
• A roadmap to reconnect with emotional processing

The Biology Behind It: Why Attachment Feels So Intense

According to Mikulincer & Shaver, attachment is an evolutionary mechanism:

• In childhood, we rely on caregivers for survival
• In adulthood, romantic partners often become our primary attachment figures

When those bonds break, your brain reacts like it's losing a lifeline. The amygdala, which processes fear, lights up. Cortisol levels spike. Your thinking brain (prefrontal cortex) takes a back seat.

Translation: Your breakup pain isn’t just emotional—it’s biochemical.

But here’s the empowering part: Your brain is plastic. With the right inputs, you can rewire your attachment system. The study offers tools for this.

Protocols That Help: Applying Their Research to Real Life

Mikulincer & Shaver found that security priming—reminding yourself of safe, loving experiences—can temporarily deactivate anxiety or avoidance.

Here’s how to make that practical:

Try a “Security Script”

Write or record a memory of a time you felt truly supported by someone. Revisit this script when you’re spinning in anxious thoughts or emotionally shutting down.

Use Safe People

Even if you don’t have a partner, secure friends, mentors, or coaches can become emotional anchors.

Reframe Breakups as Growth Triggers

Your distress isn’t failure—it’s a sign your attachment system is trying to recalibrate. Breakups can become opportunities to earn secure attachment.

What Coaching and Healing Can Look Like

Attachment wounds are often pre-verbal and stored in the body. That’s why mindset alone isn’t enough.

What you might need:

• Somatic techniques (to calm nervous system hyperarousal)
• Attachment-informed coaching (to reflect patterns and create new relational templates)
• Behavioral reps (relearning how to seek and offer connection in safe ways)

Book an Attachment Style Assessment Call
Not sure if you're anxious, avoidant, or stuck in a loop of both? A short call can help you get clarity and a personalized path forward. Click here to book.

Final Takeaways

Mikulincer & Shaver’s 2016 research helps us understand breakups not as personal failures, but as attachment disruptions. And from that lens, healing becomes more about reorganizing your internal system than fixing a broken heart.

Key Lessons:

• Your reactions post-breakup are rooted in biology, not weakness.
• Both anxious and avoidant styles can become more secure with intentional work.
• Security can be primed—and practiced.
• You’re not stuck. You’re just learning.

Ready to Break the Cycle?

Attachment patterns aren’t destiny—they’re data. Whether you feel like you lose yourself in love or push people away to feel safe, this research shows you’re not alone, and you’re not doomed.

Take the next step in your healing journey.

👉 Book your Attachment Assessment Call to get clarity and start building secure love—from the inside out.

References

1. Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2016). Attachment in Adulthood: Structure, Dynamics, and Change. Guilford Press. ↩
2. Gillath, O., Hart, J., Noftle, E. E., & Stockdale, G. D. (2009). Development and validation of a state adult attachment measure (SAAM). Journal of Research in Personality, 43(3), 362–373. ↩