Learning to Face Conflict
From as far back as I can remember, conflict has been my kryptonite. Growing up, I craved love and acceptance so much that the idea of upsetting someone—or worse, facing their disappointment—felt unbearable. If something didn’t go my way or if I felt cornered, I’d resort to avoidance tactics. My go-to strategy? Distraction. I’d disappear into a book, pretend to sleep, or find some other excuse to sidestep the tension.
But avoidance didn’t really work. Most of the time, my sneaky maneuvers would backfire, and I’d get caught. Even then, the thought of owning up to what I did—or didn’t do—felt overwhelming. I’d rather sit in my shame silently than risk a confrontation.
Fast forward to adulthood, and I noticed the same patterns playing out in my relationships. If I thought something might upset my partner, I’d avoid mentioning it altogether. The fear of their reaction loomed larger than the issue itself. It could be something as small as a weekend plan I hadn’t communicated or a concern I’d bottled up. By the time I’d finally bring it up, it was usually too late—my partner would feel cornered because I’d left them no room to adjust or respond.
The irony was hard to miss: avoiding conflict didn’t save me from it. It only made the inevitable blow-ups worse.
Reframing Conflict as an Opportunity
The turning point came when I started seeing conflict differently—not as a fight to be feared but as an opportunity for connection. Of course, this wasn’t an overnight transformation. I still have to wrestle with my initial impulse to avoid. But I’ve found that reframing disagreements as a debate or brainstorm can take the edge off.
Instead of thinking, What if this ruins everything? I’ve started asking myself, What if this makes things better?
One small but powerful habit I’ve developed is forcing myself to revisit conversations I find uncomfortable. I no longer wait until a misunderstanding becomes a full-blown crisis. For example, if I feel hesitant to raise a topic, I might send a simple text: "Something came up, and I’d like to check in with you about it." This step feels less daunting than diving straight into a face-to-face discussion. And more often than not, I find that the anticipation of their reaction is far scarier than the actual conversation.
Where I Still Struggle
This isn’t to say I’ve mastered conflict. Far from it. Sometimes I still freeze or procrastinate when faced with the possibility of tension. But I’m learning to notice these moments, to catch myself before the avoidance spiral begins.
For Reflection
If conflict feels overwhelming for you, too, consider these questions:
- When was the last time you avoided a difficult conversation? How did it turn out?
- What small, low-stakes step could you take to practice addressing conflicts more openly?
- How might reframing conflict as a debate or brainstorming session change the way you approach it?
I’ve found that even small shifts can make a huge difference. Maybe you will, too.