When Therapy Pushes Couples Further Apart
“I need to be alone right now.”
I hear this phrase again and again; usually as a quote from someone’s partner or ex. And behind it, there’s often a familiar pattern: the person’s therapist encouraged them to take space. Sometimes, even to separate.
At first glance, this seems like good advice. After all, a therapist’s job is to protect their client’s nervous system. To reduce overwhelm. To create stability. But when this advice is given to avoidantly attached individuals, it can reinforce the very pattern that’s keeping them stuck and keeping their relationship in distress.
The Substitution of Intimacy
Avoidants often feel safer with their therapist than with their partner. I say this as someone who used to be in that exact position.
In therapy, I could talk for an hour straight, animated, articulate, even vulnerable. But at home, with someone I loved? I’d go flat. Guarded. Wordless.
Why the split? Because therapy provides structured intimacy:
- One-way attention
- No expectations
- No real-time judgment
- Emotional safety in a container
But intimacy in real relationships is mutual and messy. It comes with:
- Risk of rejection
- Misattunement
- Unresolved wounds resurfacing
This is where therapy, ironically, can become a substitute for real connection. The therapist becomes the primary emotional attachment figure. The partner gets shut out.
The Avoidant Cycle And the Danger Zone
Psychologist Mario Mikulincer has written extensively about what happens when our attachment system is activated1:
- Anxious partners protest and pursue.
- Avoidant partners withdraw and shut down.
- The cycle feeds itself. Both sides feel more unsafe.
If a therapist tells an avoidant partner, “Your partner is triggering you — you need space,” it confirms their bias:
Distance = Safety.
Meanwhile, the anxious partner experiences the inverse:
Closeness = Rejection.
And just like that, therapy — meant to heal — deepens the divide.
Why Therapists Fall Into This Trap
To be clear: this isn’t because therapists are malicious. It’s structural.
- They only hear one side of the story.
- Their duty is to the client in front of them.
- Avoidant clients are often high-functioning, articulate, and emotionally detached — which means they emphasize the stress of intimacy, not the loss of connection.
So when a therapist hears, “I feel overwhelmed at home,” the natural response is: Take space, protect yourself.
But this often amplifies the pattern, rather than healing it.
Healing Can’t Happen in Isolation
Here’s my core belief:
Alone, you can understand your patterns. Together, you can transform them.
Yes, space has value. It gives you perspective. It allows your nervous system to calm down.
But healing avoidance through isolation is like trying to learn how to swim by staying out of the water. It feels safe, but it doesn't lead to growth.
Avoidants heal through connection — not by jumping into the deep end, but by slowly dipping back into intimacy with structure, safety, and intention.
A Better Approach: Structured Reconnection
Instead of total withdrawal, try this path forward:
1. Boundaries, Not Cut-Offs
Taking space doesn’t have to mean shutting down completely. You can say, “I need 30 minutes to reset, and then I’ll come back.”
2. Gradual Exposure
Practice emotional intimacy in small, manageable doses. Use prompts. Journal side-by-side. Share one thing daily. It builds safety over time.
3. Co-Regulation Over Isolation
Self-regulation is important, but co-regulation — the ability to calm each other — is a skill worth learning. This is where real repair happens.
4. Attachment-Focused 1:1 Coaching
If you’re trying to break patterns but keep ending up in the same dynamics, 1-on-1 coaching can help you get unstuck. Whether you lean anxious or avoidant, I’ll help you build the skills for secure connection — starting with yourself.
You’re Not “Too Much” for Wanting Connection
If you’re the anxious one in the relationship, here’s the truth:
You’re not wrong for wanting closeness.
You’re not broken.
You’re not “too much.”
You're just in a system where withdrawal has been unintentionally validated — by someone trained to care for only one person at a time.
Final Thoughts: Therapy Isn’t the Enemy, But It’s Not Always the Cure
Therapy can be life-changing. But when it leads to emotional outsourcing, it may stall growth instead of accelerating it.
Avoidants don’t heal by running.
Anxious partners don’t heal by chasing.
Both heal by learning to stay — gradually, securely, and together.
Ready to Explore a Different Path?
If this article resonated — if you're feeling stuck in a relationship where therapy hasn't helped the way you hoped — consider booking a call with me.
We’ll explore:
- Your attachment patterns
- Whether you’re stuck in an anxious-avoidant loop
- How coaching (individual or couples) could create a new path forward
👉 Book an assessment call here
It’s time to stop spiraling. Let’s start rewiring.